Reasons to Stop Drinking: Key People and Definitions

Every story should have some background information. This is the background information to my story. You will hear me refer to “Cougars-in-Training” and the “Anti-Pantyman League” to name a few of the characters in my story. Maybe you already know what these terms mean, maybe you already don’t. However, as a good writer, I should assume you do not and, therefore, define such terms atleast once.

This is not a textbook, although my friend B says otherwise. So I will not give a strict list of terms and definitions as if you’re supposed to memorise them. Instead, I choose to start my story here and then define as necessary.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my humble beginnings. As I am a poor starving college student and cannot possible afford the libel suits, names have been changed to protect me from the guilty.

I’ve noticed that when I retell my stories to my friends, most of them start with, “Well, I was heavily drinking that night when…”. In my sober moments, along with promising to never drink again (hangover), I mumble something about learning from past experiences. The irony: the idea for writing this document came up while at a bar.

I was sitting in my favourite campus bar, Zinc, with the other Cougars-In-Training (C-I-Ts for short), relating the tale of yet another male misadventure. I am still not sure if it was the Pearfect Pear Martinis or the Mango Mojitos or the Chocolate Cherry Martinis or the B-52s that we had gone through that Friday night, but Russo throws into the conversation, “Oh my God, you should write a book.”

“Me? Write a book?”

“Yeah, why not? It would be funny as hell.” Fiera said, sipping her chocolate cherry martini.

“If I write a book, it would be a how to manual about what not to do.” I mused.

“I don’t care what it is. You have to write it.” Russo said.

“I’ll think about it.” I responded, and returned to my drink.

That was about 12 months ago. Yes, I know, I procrastinate heavily. It’s because of a little thing called an Engineering degree. Apparently the way they breed engineers is not through selective mating or any genetics. Nope. What they do is they let all the fresh, eager candidates into the program, then proceed to kill them with 4 – 5 years of hard work. Those of us who survive, they award us a BSc. Engineering degree. The rest don’t even get a post-humus award. Most of the survivors cope with alcohol. It helps numb the pain.

I digress. So in the year or so that occurred between then and now, I have had many interesting times trading stories with my friends all over the world, and the common thread is that these stories all involve the consumption of alcohol in some way, and result in the female asking, “What the fuck?” afterwards. We females, we have learned to cope via a sort of group therapy. In Maryland, my friend Crixie has formed the “Anti –Pantyman League” (APL). In New Mexico, we have the Cougars in Training. Yes, they are all affiliated.

1. What is a pantyman?

Ladies, have you ever dealt with a guy, and at the end of the “relationship” (or whatever the hell happened between you and him), you found yourself asking, “What the fuck just happened?” or “What the fuck is wrong with him?”. You’ve probably had an experience with a Pantyman. Key indicators include your balls are bigger than his, probably because he has none, and he doesn’t have the courage to be honest with you up front. I’m not talking about him not telling you all his business on the first meeting. I’m talking about him only telling the truth when you’ve cornered him, his back is up against the wall, with no escape except certain death or telling you the truth. (And, the only reason he decided to talk is that talking was the less painful of the two choices. If he could dream up a quick and immediate death, you would be silently or loudly cursing him at his funeral.) That is a panty-man. We (C-I-Ts and the Anti-Pantyman Leaguers) have determined that this is because the panties that they are wearing aren’t comfortable, giving them significant wedgies, or the butt-strip of the thong is chaffing, and they refuse to take them off. Side effects of this practice also inhibit the growth of man parts.

In New Mexico, we’ve decided that the only way to prevent this behavioral trait is to get them when they’re young. Clearly, for legal purposes, they should be over 18 to avoid jail time. However, if we keep hitting the 18 year olds, they keep getting younger every year… and that would make us Cougars-In-Training. Heh heh heh.

Therapy is held in Zinc Wine Bistro, Albuquerque, New Mexico. Meetings are held when necessary, and moderated by the fine bartenders at that establishment. No membership fees are required, but you are responsible for paying your own bar tab.